Check Your Vision

Family and friends can get so caught up in the games that addicts play that they lose clear sight of what is going on. They begin missing signs and trying to convince themselves that "things really aren't that bad." They often induce promises from the addict that they know they cannot keep. Take a moment to assess how clearly you are seeing things:

• Do you think about how you wish things would be with this person?
• Do you wonder, “If only, he (or she) would…?
• Do you doubt or dismiss your feelings about them?
• Do you believe their repeated broken assurances?
• Do you conceal embarrassing aspects of their behavior?
• Do you hope things will improve when something happens?
• Do you make concessions and placate them hoping they will change?
• Do you feel resentful or used by them?
• Have you spent years waiting for them to change?
• Do you walk on eggshells, worry about their whereabouts, or dread talking about their problems?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may need some help to help them.

Deal With Your Own Hurts

The problem is when we ignore our own problems and try to push through and help the hurting, our problems get further intertwined with theirs, and we make things much worse. As John Maxwell famously said, "Hurting People hurt people and are easily hurt by them." When we face our problems and accept responsibility for our own pain, decide to deal with our issues, and forgive ourselves and others, we gain strength to help others put their pieces back together.

Understand How Change Happens

Many families and friends of addicts struggle to understand why they can't just quit. "Why won't they just change?" There are four common misconceptions about change:

Change is a journey with many twists, turns, and setbacks, but there are some recognizable stops along the way.

• Stop 1 – “I don’t have a ”
• Stop 2 – “Maybe I have a ”
• Stop 3 – “I’m going to do something about my problem.”
• Stop 4 – “I’m doing something about my problem.”
• Stop 5 – “I’m sticking with this.”

Provide Support Not Help

Supporting is being fully committed every step of the way, while allowing them to do their part in terms of making changes. Supporting empowers them and creates a collaboration where we provide support and feedback and they make the changes. Imagine that there’s an enabling line. Once we cross it, we’re enabling them to continue in their self-destructive behaviors. When we support them, we go all the way up to the line and encourage them to join us, but we don’t cross the line. Helping crosses that enabling line by doing too much for them. Helping assumes that they can’t do it for themselves, they need us to do the work for them. The problem with helping is that even if we succeed in getting them moving toward change, it’s our efforts and not theirs. It’s our change and not theirs. The resulting changes will continue only so long as we continue to help them. Supporting, on the other hand, doesn’t cross the line. They’re doing the work. The changes are theirs.

Provide the Right Kind of Support

The best way to support is to first take care of yourself. Set clear boundaries and have a good support system for yourself. Then you can provide support in other ways. The first three types of support are Emotional Support, Stabilization Support, and Structural Support. Provide Emotional Support by listening to them and encouraging them. Resist the urge to fix, preach, or solve problems for them. Provide Stabilization Support by removing barriers to their ability to help themselves, but don’t do what they can do for themselves. Structural Support is the people, processes, systems, and accountability that is required to make change sustainable.

Set Realistic Expectations

Your friend or loved one can change. They can get help for their alcohol or other drug use and move on with their life. However, their new life may not look like you imagined. There may be setbacks along the way. Their alcohol or other drug use may cause other problems in their life that won't surface until they begin to get help. Some of those problems may take a while to get past…if ever. It's important as a helper that you believe in their ability to change but at the same time set realistic expectations for how that will happen.